


The Secret Santa Wager

by Jairissa



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Gen, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 11:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2810123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jairissa/pseuds/Jairissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Secret Santa is boring as hell, but since she can't be assigned herself, Rosa figures she may as well take a bet on the outcome. She might not get a good present, but the proceedings will be great.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret Santa Wager

**Author's Note:**

  * For [strix_alba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strix_alba/gifts).



"Did I miss the zombie apocalypse or something?" Rosa asked the empty squad room. She'd already stuck her head into the meeting room, which was as abandoned as the rest of the station. "If you bastards are on a case without me, I'm going to shank you all. Not joking."

"Shut up," Peralta's desk hissed at her. It wasn't the first time his desk had made noise at her, but she was fairly sure that Algernon was safely caged at Santiago's place, and last Rosa had checked, the gunk he kept in his drawer hadn't achieved sentience. 

She stuck her head over the tower of paperwork and fast-food wrappers. Peralta was curled into a ball under his desk, a voluminous coat hung over the chair forming a curtain to hide him from the rest of the room.

"Peralta," she acknowledged, loudly. "What did you do?"

"Diaz, _shut up_!" Boyle's desk whisper-yelled. "Please, I beg you."

"Seriously," Rosa insisted. "What did you do?"

"Diaz?" Santiago's voice appeared before she did, high-pitched and worried. Rosa instincts kicked in just a second too late for her to hide, so she leaned against Jake's desk and did her best to look bored. "There you are. Where have you been?"

"Home," Rosa said, shrugging off her jacket. "Breakfast. Traffic. Why?"

"I'm trying to assign everyone a Secret Santa, and I _can't find them_."

Ah. Shit. Yeah, she should have cut and run when she had the chance. Still, she considered Santiago's face, red and twitching, and bit back a smirk. It was always funny watching her get worked up over nothing.

"Why are you doing Secret Santa?" Rosa asked, 'accidentally' knocking the paperwork so that it tumbled over Peralta's desk, down his chair and right on to his smug little head. "And why isn't your boytoy helping you?"

"Boy _friend_ ," Santiago said, glaring at Peralta's desk. "He said he was going to get Christmas decorations for the ceremony, and then he vanished! Everyone vanished! Do you think something's wrong? What if they've been kidnapped? Taken hostage? I should call the police. Other police, I mean. A swat team, or maybe-"

"Or maybe they're all hiding under their desks," Rosa finished for her. Santiago's face scrunched in confusion, and then turned from light fuchsia to bright tomato red. 

When she reached out to grab her boyfriend, her hand came out dragging a yelping Peralta by the ear. The man's desperate cries would make a good memory for when Rosa was stuck with Saint Santiago's Christmas insanity. There was a reason they hadn't let her organize anything before now. Someone should have given Holt the memo.

The man himself came out of his office and froze. She'd swear his expression hadn't changed, but Santiago's babbled apologies changed to almost offended ones, so Rosa figured Holt had been avoiding her as much as anyone else. Damnit. Next year she'd just have to take over before Santiago got anywhere near it. She'd assign everyone themselves, which would at least guarantee her a good present.

"Captain!" Santiago squawked. Holt considered her for moment.

"Everyone in the conference room in five for the Secret Santa assignments," he said. No one swore in exactly the same way, but it was enough to send Santiago off into another one of her rants.

"You should just haul her off to the evidence room," Rosa suggested. "Heard there was a bed in there."

"Yeah, but it's got fake-satin sheets. They're totally not my colour," Peralta shrugged his shoulders with a half-smile.

"That's not why we're not doing that, Jake!" Santiago snapped. It was a shame. Rosa figured half of Santiago's problem was that she needed to get laid. Especially in a place with cameras. Rosa wanted to see if all those sex tape titles were right, or if the girl had some secret kink to her. That would be funny as hell.

***

"You," Rosa told Scully, pointing her finger at his face. She was barely three feet from him, so the finger was hovering dangerously close to his eye. "I don't like who I got. Trade with me."

"Do _not_ trade with her," Santiago said with what the woman obviously thought was a withering glare. "I calculated this carefully, based on interests and shared tastes and spreadsheets. No one is trading."

"I don't like who I got," Rosa repeated. 

"Who did you get?" Peralta asked curiously, trying to peek at the folded piece of paper Rosa had crumpled in her hand.

"Dunno," she said. "I just know it's not me."

Since Santiago had some sense, she didn't throw the sparkly Santa hat she had used to distribute the names, one by painstaking one, at Rosa's head, but she did shove it so far down Peralta's face that it covered his mouth. Rosa approved. The woman was showing more guts lately. She'd thought the dating Jake thing would be a disaster, but maybe her relationship with Peralta was actually good for her.

"We should make it more interesting," the Captain said, looking specifically at Peralta. 

"How?" Peralta tilted his head curiously as he pulled the hat up. He left it on his head, which was unexpected. Things were getting weird around here. Rosa liked it. She'd tried showing her approval by avoiding some really amazing opportunities to taunt them, but they were so far ungrateful. 

Assholes.

"A wager," Holt said, reaching for a pen. "We all put an offer into the stupid hat Peralta is wearing. Anyone who works out who their Secret Santa is ahead of time, gets the prize that's been offered. I, for example, will be offering two full days off, that I will cover."

He looked down at his paper and…well, he didn't laugh, but Rosa supposed the impassive expression on his face could be considered the same thing.

"I don't expect that will be a problem."

"You have me!" Scully immediately yelped. Holt stared him down. Scully cowered like he had a gun to his head. She should test that image sometime. Shove a gun right up in that stupid mug and see what happened.

"The game hasn't started yet," Holt said.

"I'm in," Peralta said. "I'm betting a night with Amy."

"Well I'm betting a night with Jake," Santiago smirked, actually smirked. Rosa immediately liked her about a hundred times more. "Wearing the costume he wanted me to wear in bed last night."

"Wait, what, no," Peralta immediately started.

"Accepted," Holt said, adding their offers to the list. 

Rosa grinned. Hell yeah, this was going to be good.

***

Santiago cornered her the second they left the conference room. Rosa was fairly pleased with what she'd bet: her old Catholic school uniform, with the promise to wear it on the case of the winner's choice. Not that Peralta would ever guess. Not with the crappy present she was planning to get him. Or the crappy 'daily surprises' they were apparently meant to use as clues.

Goddamn Santiago. Rosa hated effort, and holidays.

"We should pair up," Santiago whispered, tugging Rosa into the evidence room.

"Why?" Rosa asked. "You know who I have, and you've got to know who has you. You organised it."

"I didn't _look_ ," Santiago insisted. Rosa raised her eyebrow and Santiago squared her shoulders. "I don't cheat."

"I would," Rosa said. "Why should we pair up?"

"Because we both want to see Jake in that outfit," Santiago suggested. Rosa considered that.

"You're right, we do. All right, we're on. Where do we start?"

***

Staking out the local liquor store was almost fun. Santiago had a point; someone always purchased some sort of alcohol as the world's most unimaginative gift. Until that idiot showed up, Rosa amused herself by imagining the lives of the customers based on what they were buying. She was just assigning a serious STD to the constipated looking housewife who guiltily hid a bottle of red wine in her handbag when she saw the first suspect.

Scully. Of course.

He came out with a selection of bourbons and spirits. They looked good. She was nearly 300% sure that meant they weren't for her.

"Scully has either Sarge or the Cap," Rosa said into her walky-talky. She'd wanted to text, so she wouldn't have to hear Santiago's voice more than she had to, but apparently that wasn't regulation. Regulation was stupid. "He bought booze. I want it."

"Got it," Santiago's crackly voice came through the speaker. "Nothing on the candy store yet. Over."

"Over?" Rosa snorted. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Santiago said. "It's-"

"Regulation, I know." Rosa rolled her eyes. "This isn't helping. Scully doesn't have either of us. What next?"

"I can't move until I see who gets here," Santiago insisted. "Statistically at least two of them will, and I'm not going to miss them. Over."

"Whatever," Rosa said. "I'm going to stake out women's accessories at Barney's. Meet me there when you're done."

"Ten-four," Santiago said. "Over."

Rosa regretted this whole escapade already. She wasn't sure that she'd be able to get through a full week of this. How the hell did Peralta put up with this chick? She must be good in the sack. It was the only answer Rosa could understand that didn't involve mind control of some description. She needed to learn that trick. It could come in handy.

***

"We have movement," Santiago said through the walky-talky. Rosa saw a few old ladies turn around and glare in disapproval, but that might have more to do with the way the old men accompanying them were staring at her tits.

She didn't care much about their opinion, but the squawk of Santiago's voice might tip off whoever was inevitably going to show up in women's accessories, so she tugged her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through her contacts until Santiago showed up. It was almost funny to hear the echo of the ringtone through the speaker tucked into her belt.

The Jaws theme was probably appropriate. Rosa would definitely have to give Santiago shit about that, but she liked the implications.

"Who is it?" Rosa asked without preamble.

"We agreed to use the-" Santiago started. 

"I'm in an enclosed space," Rosa rolled her eyes at using the 'official language' that Santiago preferred, but it was the fastest way to get Santiago to agree. It was a sacrifice that Rosa would make. "You're loud. Do the math."

"Right," Santiago said, her voice falling to a whisper, as though she could be heard as easily through the phone as she could through the walky-talky. To make sure, though, Rosa turned the ancient machine off, and tucked her phone tighter between her ear and her shoulder. "Sorry. It's Boyle."

"What's he buying?"

"Chocolate?" Santiago asked, like Rosa had asked some sort of trick question.

"You're at the candy store," Rosa snarled, shooting her worst glare at the disgruntled saleswomen. "Of course he's buying chocolate. What kind?"

"Hershey's kisses," Santiago reported back after a long pause.

"So either you or Gina," Rosa reasoned. Chocolate and scarves; always the default gifts were women. It was crap. She'd much prefer a nice scotch, a good car magazine, or the chance to watch someone get the snot beat out of them by a gorgeous guy with huge muscles. Wrestling tickets may well be her crap.

"I hope it's me," Santiago said.

"You like that crap?" Rosa asked rhetorically. "No, don't answer that, of course you like them. Murphy's Law, Santiago. They're probably for Gina."

"Probably," Santiago sighed glumly. "I'll probably have Scully and get some disgusting recycled sex toy or something."

"Wait, what. Does that happen?" Rosa chuckled, and then ducked behind a rack of hideous pink patterned purses. 

"My first secret Santa," Santiago's voice was tuned out as Rosa eyed her target. Tall, confident, smirk on his face. Peralta. If the jerkass had followed her here, they were going to have some loud, and emphatic, words in the nearest dark alley.

"I'll call you back," Rosa said, and hung up before Santiago could complain.

As she stalked her target around the women's accessories department, she realised that while he knew where she was in the general sense, he had no idea of the specifics. She grinned, sliding around the floral patterned scarves, chuckling to herself when she saw his head snap around, trying to catch her before she moved again.

"Gotcha," Rosa said, leaping out from behind the leather gloves and launching herself on to Peralta's back. A more prepared man would have caught her. Peralta ended up flat on his face, dragging s stand of tacky fake earrings. "Ten seconds, Peralta. Then I pull my gun."

"I want in," he said immediately.

"In on what?" Rosa asked blandly, brushing off her clothes as she slowly climbed off him. Her boot dug, entirely accidentally, into his kidney as she did. His hiss of childish pain was a cheerful Christmas moment that she'd have to hold on to: Silent Night had started playing for the fourth time since she had entered the store, and if she had to hear it again before Christmas, she was going to shoot whoever thought Christmas Carols were appropriate music for the season.

"Your bet. I know you and Santiago have some alliance happening. I want in."

"Nope," Rosa said, popping the last syllable. "Get lost."

"Aw, c'mon," Peralta wheedled. "I have some good intel for you."

"That shit might work with your girltoy," Rosa rolled her eyes at him. "I'm immune to your crap. Figure it out on your own. Or ask your soulmate, I don't care."

"I tried that," Peralta gave her a smile that he seemed to think was charming. "Boyle's solution was to try and get everyone into interrogation, and yell at them for a while."

Rosa snorted.

"Yeah, the Captain would have loved that."

"That was the main sticking point," Peralta agreed. "So. You, me and Santiago?"

Rosa considered it for a moment. There was always the chance that Santiago would sell her out anyway, just to keep the domestic bliss going. There was also the constant competition that hadn't yet fizzled out between her and Peralta that would keep her going through the most dire of relationship troubles, just so she could call herself a winner.

"Nah," she said. "Now shut up and get lost before I shoot you."

She wasn't sure if he did, but at least he disappeared from her view, which was enough for now. Especially since, in his absence, yet another familiar face had wandered into the store…

***

Rosa hated shopping with a passion. Even more so when it was for someone like Peralta, but walking past a novelty toy store gave her the idea. Since the crap was marketed to children, she managed to get an office prank arsenal put together for half of her budget.

She figured she'd grab a few more things from the grocery store when she got her own food for the week. Candy, gum and bubble solution always kept the kids entertained. Maybe she'd be able to get a bit of work done this week.

"Gina? What are you doing here? I thought you got your crap delivered?"

"I do," Gina said, wrinkling her nose. "But I need a present, and I don't want to waste my money getting it anywhere good."

Rosa snorted. At least that narrowed down the list a bit. Despite her posturing, Gina didn't actively hate most of them, so Rosa could make a guess that it was one of the few people at the station that actively annoyed her.

"Have fun," Rosa said flatly, and walked away, smiling to herself.

***

"So both the Captain and Hitchcock bought scarves," Santiago said distractedly, typing a few things into her spreadsheet. "Which means that the two of them can cross off two of you, me and Gina."

"I hope Holt has me," Rosa said. "That scarf was badass. I'm fairly sure it could hide a weapon."

"Well, that's that," Santiago agreed.

"It better be. If it's not, you're switching."

"And Jake bought a fake police outfit from the sex store? You're sure?" Santiago sounded worried. She should be. That shit was going to be hilarious. She hoped Peralta bullied his participant into actually wearing it at the precinct.

Damn. That should have been part of the bet. Next year she was going to make sure she included that: all wearable gifts had to be worn immediately. Then she was buying Hitchcock and Scully Batman and Robin outfits, and watching them duke it out.

"He also got some books. Crappy ones. I'm fairly sure only the Captain would appreciate them."

"Oh, thank God," Santiago whispered. "All right, who does that leave?"

"Terry, but I think he got his wife to buy it for him," Rosa said. Santiago raised her eyebrow, disapproving and curious in one bizarre expression. "I couldn't tail them both. I took a gamble. I lost. Deal with it."

"Ugh, fine," Santiago huffed. "I'm pretty sure we can guess based on what we have already, though. Take a look."

Rosa poked her head over Santiago's shoulder to view the spreadsheet. The research was impeccable, and the conclusions sound. She was willing to bet wearing her crappy uniform on this; she'd managed it for most of high school. It wasn't exactly the torture everyone was assuming.

"Case closed," Rosa said with a smirk.

***

"So," Santiago said, grinning proudly. "We've worked out that Jake has the Captain, the Captain has Diaz, Diaz has Jake, I had Boyle, Boyle had Gina, Gina had Hitchcock, Terry had Scully, Scully had Terry, and Hitchcock had me."

"Nice scarf," Rosa snorted, holding up Santiago's horrible brown, green and orange present. Hitchcock really needed to be banned from these things, on humanitarian grounds or something. Or maybe just shot in the line of duty, if he would get his fat ass out of his chair long enough to get anywhere near a crime scene. "Shoot me if I ever turn into you."

"Hey, I got the same answers," Peralta cheered, holding mistletoe over Rosa's head. She kicked his shin and, while, he howled, tossed the offending plant into Santiago's hair. She glowered at Rosa, but still kissed her boyfriend, blushing. Grossly adorable. Rosa's favourite kind of adorable. 

"Me too," the Captain showed them his meticulously catalogued selections.

"Damn," Gina swore, shaking her chocolates with unimpressed abandon. "I figured only Scully would get me these."

"I thought you liked chocolate," Boyle pouted, the usual bewildered expression on his stupid face.

"I like _expensive_ chocolate," Gina informed him. "Not this trash."

"Wait, so who won?" Jake pressed. Holt surveyed them, then nodded towards the hat.

"Jake gets his two days off. Diaz, you get to see Jake in his crazy sex outfit. Amy, you get Hitchcock's new bigscreen TV, and Diaz, I get to see you in a Catholic school girl uniform," Holt ruled. "You will wear it on our next stakeout."

***

"Nice skirt," Rosa acknowledged, readjusting her own green plaid. She could still rock it like she was in high school. No fat on this girl. Jake tugged down on his matching one, four band sizes bigger and seven inches shorter. His shoes had actual heels on them.

"I hate you," Jake snarled. Rosa smiled. 

"Don't make bets you can't win," she suggested. It was worth the empty burger wrapper to the eye.


End file.
